What it feels like

I am unmotivated to do anything. I feel completely empty inside, numb. Disconnected. I am on the verge of tears, always.

When I was pregnant, this led me to spend more and more of my days lying in bed. Sure, I'd get up to take care of the kids when they needed me, and if company was coming over I'd clean up. But mostly, I just stayed in bed. Oh, and I had intense and unrelenting sugar cravings. I told my OB that I was spending my days in bed, eating cake & ice cream.

Since the baby was born, I spend hours rocking her. 4 young children around doesn't permit me much time in bed anymore, but I still do a whole lot of nothing, here and there.

Beginning an SSRI helped beyond words, although the first few days it made me feel like a nauseated zombie.

I was warned that at some point after the birth, my PPD might intensify. And that's where I'm at today. The SSRI seems to have "quit" working. I need to get my dosage increased. I don't expect this "phase" of the disease to last long, but no doubt it's here. I feel back at square one, with more responsibilities on my plate than ever before, and this beautiful 2-mo-old smiling at me, cooing, and looking straight into my eyes.

My husband quips, "come on, buckle up."

I'm thinking, "I can't."